Pierced!
Pierced I am now :) Funny experience, but hey whats life without the adventure??? Funny story really, I was with my MOM hehehehe she got PIERCED TOO lmao!! Well we went to the local tattoo place and walked in an in our shock we saw pictures of people that have gotten pierced in the MOST UNUSUAL places if ya know what i mean!! wow! girls with their legs wide open just showing off their ink!! well anyways after the initial shock we went into the room and my mom went first or I knew she wouldnt do it. SO the guy warmed her up with all the info about it, and there she went at 5o something getting her nose pierced lol im soo happy for her. She is a wondeful mom and really my good friend! I am thankful for her.
So ti came my turn...I was getting the bottom of my lip done(lebret) for those who know about piercing, and also my nose!! So first I did my lip, when he showed me the jewlery for it I wasnt to pleased cuz I wanted something a little smaller more disrceet (if you can be with a metal thing poking out your lip) So I did it anyways as soon as I saw it I just imagined walking into an interview(as im jobless right now) walking in and just toatlly being judged, thats not cool but its the reality of this world. So I kept it in for about 20 minutes and took it out, but I really liked it. I just hope I can do it later after Im settled in a position in my life where I can do as I like. But I did do my nose and It looks sweet!
These are my rebellious days as the last years of my life have been in fear of going to hell. I was convinced by those religious freaks who use religion to benifit them in their lives. So, I have come to the conclusion, when I die, if I die knowing I hurt no one, and was good to others and God, then I can be creative and artistic in my own way! Its all about self expression to me.
A New Road For A Gypsy
This has been a very strange time for me. I have allowed myself to travel to the depths of the sea, unable to swim. I have allowed others to steal my soul and keep it in their hands, only to glance at it from time to time. I am not a writer nor am I am poet, but I feel, and I write what I feel. I feel...... I feel, pain, I feel love, Art, confusion, depression, excitement, passion, red, strange, envious of those who do what they love. I feel all of this and yet have no clue what to do with it. Are we suppose to smile even though this is inside of us? I am on a new road, a road that is unclear to me. So if I don't travel soon, my soul will die and I will feel regret for everything I could have done and didnt do.
In my journey I want to meet those who will inspire me to do what I was suppose to do in my life. I want to be a gypsy on the road of life, of love, of passion, of excitment. I want to do things I have never done, to see what it is I like and dont like. I have already travled around the world, only to discover others' loves, passions, enjoyments. So now I want to sit in the vast desert of MY life and choose who will join me.
My Story
When I was 20 years old I decided to embrace Islam. I was friends with a girl who was Muslim, and she showed me a new way of life, a new way of respect, for my God and for myself.
After embracing Islam I did what most do and I ventured into marriage, to make sure I didn't commit harram(sin). Not knowing anything about what I wanted or what life was all about I decided to marry a boy from Bahrain. It was a good experience but for sure not the man who would be for me. He and I were just too alike to motivate the other for improvement, so we divorced after 1 year. I look back at it now and we were just soo young, and no life experience to have made any kind of life work.
So after the breakup I had put it in my mind that I was gonna make marriage work, damnit! It wasn't me of course that made the last one fail it was him of course!! Right?? :) So I married a man who was a very devout Muslim and encouraged me to be the same as him. I began covering my complete body wearing Niqaab(veil) and totally surrendered to Islam as my new way of life. I began seeing everyone around me as those who just don't believe in God! They are all disbelievers!! Kuffar!! Anger, was the most noticeable emotion I felt over all in this way of thinking.
Going into that mindset I realize now that I was very influential, and just wanted to belong to anyone who would love me and show me care. According to my religion a man must take care of his wife and give her certain rights, and if not then he is to fear the punishment from Allah. Well, :) funny!! It would be nice if a man really did fear doing wrong to his wife, but for this man, his care was for what pleased him. Did I mention to you that he had another wife too?? :) Yes a 33 year old man seeks a 22 year old girl to "keep" her as a second wife. Funny! I look back at my way of thinking and I really feel I was bamboozled! I was taught the pure Islam, but not found one man who lived up to that image. However, as a wife, I was to do as I was told, and not to even laugh in public or to show my eyes or hands.
During this time I had moved to Kuwait. I stepped my feet on the sand only to realize I was completely alone. No more mommy to run to or daddy to get me out of my fixes. I was scared, and excited all at he same time. Excited to face a new adventure and scared that I was very alone. The first time I heard the Adhan(call to prayer) I cried! It was an amazing feeling to be in a Muslim country seeing everything I had heard of and now actually living there.
Time would tell that everything is not as it appears and a saying I once heard that has stuck with me..."Watch out for those angels who have their wings glued on" that's my ex husband in a nutshell, he looked the look, even taught at an Islamic university teaching Quran. But secretly he had many desires and many demons he constantly was fighting.
In the time I spent with him I was very fortunate to have traveled extensively. I was able to go from Egypt to Kuwait, Saudia, Bahrain. I made my pilgrimage to Mecca as a Muslim should. I did everything unimaginable for a typical average ,troubled, American girl.
I will elaborate on my travels in another blog as I want to finish this horrible memory of my failed marriages!!
My husband's wife ( gosh that even sounds funny to say) she hated me. Which I was very naive, and was told that she would love me as a sister because she was a devout muslimah herself. That was the farthest from the truth!! How could I have believed that the love of God can over power a woman's jealousy, was I soo stupid to think she would actually love me??
I just wanted to belong to someone, something, and I found it. I had found a middle aged man who was bored in his marriage who wanted to "spice it up" with an American girl. Well he did. For about 8 months. After beating me, and his wife too, I said "that's it!"
I contacted my family and said enough was enough "I'm coming home, please help me" So they did. Not knowing the full extent of my life there, I convinced them to bring me home.
So needless to say I asked him divorce me , Islamically I did not have the right to aks for divorce, unless I could give a good , valid reason. Which I had many many reasons, but was unable to find any scholar or Imam to help me in getting an "akhula" (divorce term used for women.) They didn't want to get "involved" So I kept pushing and pushing him until he finally had enough! He had no more hope that I would go back to him, so he divorced me on February 14th 2004!! Best day if you ask me.
What did I learn from this? Well I learned that I make really bad choices based on my need to belong and feel loved. I learned that I was looking for a father figure in this man because I was never close with my own father. I learned that I just really wanted to experience life in other ways and always felt as if my life wasn't good enough. I learned a lot. But the thing I learned most, was that I am ok being me. I will no longer hold this feeling that Allah is going to send everyone to hell if they are not living as this man. Allah is loving, Allah is kind, we have sooo many good people in this world that deserve so much praise. He had me believing everyday that I sinned and that Allah was going to punish me for everything. You tell someone enough times they are worthless to God and they already have self esteem issues they tend to believe it!
I am good now. I still make horrible decisions from time to time, but I am good. I want to Love Allah in a healthy way and love my religion in a healthy way. I just haven't gotten to that point just yet. I am just coming out of the "why me" phase and need to heal before I can let God completely in again. A healthy God , a loving God , one who will direct me, and encourage growth. Not the evil God I was taught, btw what I learned from this man was not religion, it was control, and my God would never allow such hate for other people. Praying for others is the best control we have over others. IF WE TRUELY BELIEVE IN ALLAH/GOD/ OR WHOEVER YOU BELIEVE IN, IF YOU TRULY BELIEVE WITH YOUR HEART, THEN A PRAYER IS MUCH MORE EFFECTIVE THAN A HARSH WORD, HAVING CONTROL, OR A WAR.
I am a Muslim woman
I am a loving caring woman
I am a mother
I am an artist
I am a sister
I am a daughter
I will be the one I am proud of, that my children are proud of
I am healing
But most of all I am who I am, and I am ready to meet myself and accept myself for who I am.
